Things My Students Say

ADORBZ Friday

2011-01-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit less postive (new word!) these days as my teaching partner is out for a month due to health issues (I miss her already) and I thus have a bit less time to jot down what these little things are saying. Today had a couple of good ones, though.

I was trying to teach our Writer's Workshop and the kids kept getting me off track by asking strange personal questions. We're working on historical fiction (yeah, great) and so they kept asking me if there was electricity when I was born . . .and then if Kentucky has electricity . . .and then when I came to this country . . .so it was all off-topic, but things I felt like I had to clear up. But I went on a tangent for a bit when I felt a tapping on my shoulder. Emily had gotten up, gone to our daily schedule chart, taken the "Writer's Workshop" card and walked it to me, pointing.

I got back on track.

Later, one kid was asking for hints on a name for his main character. After a few of my suggestions didn't work, sweet little Danelcy said a word I never expected to be so adorable: "Scumbag."

And in conclusion

2010-12-16T07:38:00.000-08:00

Roland, today, showed me the conclusion for his book about MLK, Jr.

"But sadly Martin was shot. Well I hope you learned everything about Martin because I'm out of paper. Go outside and play, you need the fresh air. Trust me."

Race humor?

2010-12-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

The class is working on writing non-fiction books with topics of their own choosing. Roland chose to write about Martin Luther King, Jr. Today they were writing introductions to the books. Most went pretty smoothly, if a bit bland.

That was not enough for Roland. "In this book you will learn facts about Martin Luther King, Jr. Where he lived, where he was born, what he did. All the facts are there in black and white. And Chinese and Mexican! Sorry, a little Martin Luther King humor!"

Got to hand it to him

2010-12-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

Isaiah asked if I ever dream about him. "Only in my nightmares," I replied. He paused for a moment.

"While I was in your dreams, I saw your ex-girlfriend. She's not that hot."

Those Poor Dutchmen

2010-11-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

We're discussing New Netherlands and I was explaining that the Dutch are from there. Moussa got concerned. "Mr. Rice, when I heard about the countries in Europe, they all sound fancy. Like, France . . .Paris . . .it's fancy. 'Netherlands' doesn't sound fancy, though."

Quick Hits

2010-11-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

Two things I heard kids say today in my class.

"My umbrella smells like ham." --Doug

"Mathew, stop eating your clothes!" --Roland

Good Excuse

2010-11-19T07:27:00.000-08:00

So my class has a minor obsession with my softball team. Recently, they've been asking if they can come see a game. They can't, because the season is over. "Well how about in May?" they asked.

"Well, the games are at night."

"You could make a special trip!"

"But I can't take you guys out at night."

"Have a game during the day!"

"Well, everyone has jobs they can't leave."

That stumped them for a while. Then Glenis thought of the obvious solution. "Pretend someone on the team died, so everyone can take a day off."

Marital Strife

2010-11-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

Sheena raises her hand. I call on her. "Mr. Rice, rembember how Moussa broke my tape measure?"

"Yes," I say, seeing where this is going.

"Well, he still didn't give me a dollar."

I laughed.

"What?" Moussa butts in.

"That dollar you owe me!"

"You've got to give me some time!" Moussa protests, rather Han-Solo-ish if you ask me.

"It's been a month!" Sheena says in exasperation

Moo hoo ha ha ha ha ha

2010-11-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ruby came up to me and shook my hand. "Good news, Mr. Rice. You're the bad guy and Ms. Vaughan is your Assistant Dracula."

Best job title ever.

For Old Time's Sake

2010-10-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

I walked by the class where my former students are yesterday. They called me to come in and say hi . . .they had a sub that wasn't really containing them too well. After a short chat, Maylene says, "Mr. Rice, shush us!"

I paused for a moment and said, "Like, for old time's sake?"

"Yeah!" a bunch of them said.

So I did, but I couldn't keep a straight face. Miss those guys.

Remember Johanny?

2010-10-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

Well she remembers me. She came to visit and next thing I know this was on my board.

Veritable Goldmine

2010-10-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

While walking in line I stopped to pretend to choke Douglas. I like to keep them on their toes.

"That's why I have a hammer at home!" he says. "For drastic measures!" That was funny enough, but he went on. "If anyone attacks me, I'll just whack them off!"

She learns quickly

2010-10-12T08:43:00.007-07:00

At the end of the last writing unit, Emily told me she'd write her next piece about me. So today they're gathering ideas for personal essays. I teased her about me not being in any of her ideas so far. She laughed and said, "Your Eggo."

"My ego?"

"Yes. Your ego!" She then laughed and started writing. When I came back around, one of her ideas was "Mr. Rice is annoying."

Delicious

2010-10-12T05:29:00.000-07:00

Apparently this is the morning for treats for Mr. Rice. Roland approached me early this morning with a song and dance about how his sister is wanting to go to prom later this year, but it's expensive. So he's helping her by selling Rice Krispy Treats. It seems quasi-legal at best, but I love Rice Krispy treats so I'll allow it.

And Emily comes in and gives me and my partner each an apple. Old school, yo!

Ooooookay

2010-10-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

So on our way down from class today on our way to dismissal, I caught Douglas with his index finger and thumb deep inside his mouth, like some sort of mind-controlling beetle from Star Trek. I thought maybe something was stuck or he might be choking. "What's going on, Douglas?" I asked.

"I'm just trying to touch my uvula."

He needs a top hat

2010-10-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

Fernando was performing his duties as a closet monitor this morning. He was also using the long handle of a plastic broom to do things. He then leaned on the handle and said, "I'm a fancy dude," does a little dance and tips his head, "And I think I'll do it again."

A New Ladies Man Appears

2010-09-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

So the kids finished their math test early and asked if they could make signs for my softball team. Sounded fun to me, so I agreed. The girls wanted to make signs for the female players, and the boys for the boys.

Except for Moussa. He mentioned one of the female players. "So, Mr. Rice, tell me. Does she look . . .nice?" I said yes. "How old is she." I told him she was in her thirties. "THIRTIES? AND SHE CAN STILL PLAY?!?"

"Hey, I'm 32!"

"I thought you were fifty!"

Later he came back to me and asked, "So who's the best looking girl on your team?" I told him they were all beautiful. "Well, do you have any . . .younger?"

"How young?"

"How about nine?"

"Definitely not, Moussa."

"Hm. Fifteen?"

"Still too young for my team."

"OK, fifteen to twenty-five?" That I said we had.

I like the way he thinks.

A Sweet Note

2010-09-27T08:09:00.001-07:00

My allergies are acting up pretty terribly so I feel like crud today. But then I got a note from Amanda:

to: Mr. Rice
From Amanda!

Best teacher ever!
Feel Better
I love you like
brother [then crossed out]
Dad!

I rhyme the rhymes well

2010-09-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

Moussa asked me if I had a rockstar name. "No," I replied. "But I have a rap name. Sensei Smooth."

So he made this for me.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

2010-09-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ruby snuck up behind me while I was sitting and grabbed my face from behind. She then whispered in my ear, "I want your face. I'm going to rip your head off." She then proceded to return to her seat and finish her math work.

Beat the Heat

2010-09-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

The other day I went to pick up my kids from recess. Christian 1 (I have two of them this year) was slow to arrive. When he finally did I realized he was wearing his Transformers lunch box/bag on his head. I didn't get a chance to ask him about it, but I heard him say to a friend "Too hot out here! Gotta cool off somehow!"

Put me in my place

2010-09-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

This morning we were talking about our weekends . . .I like to start the day with normal human conversation, helps socialize the kids. One kid went bowling and after he told us about it I told him I'd been bowling that weekend, too, on a date. One girl raised her hand immediately.

"Yes, Glenis?"

"We don't care about your personal life, Mr. Rice."

Ouch.

Good question

2010-09-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

Moussa was reading a book that featured both monkeys and gorillas. I could see the wheels turning. He raised his hand. "Mr. Rice, when monkeys grow up, do they become gorillas?"

"No, they're different animals," I replied.

"Hm."

Oh, My

2010-09-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

At the end of the day, some of my girls were talking to my teaching partner. Ruby lets it be known that she wants to be "single the rest of [her] life." That would have been funny enough but Jaylin replied, "Oh, no, I want a man in my house! I don't want to die alone!"

DHA?

2010-09-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

As we were going down to lunch, Fernando was holding the door for us. (He loves that.) "Mr. Rice," he asks, "do you think I could be the class door monitor?"

"Sure," I reply. We needed one anyway.

"Good, because I'm addicted to doors."

Begun, the Clone Wars Have

2010-09-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

In a reprise of their routine yesterday, Ruby and Jaylin tricked me into standing between their desks to read Ruby's story and "caught" me again. As I was trying to free myself, Jaylin said, "I'll take one of his hairs!" and plucked it from my arm. Later, I caught the two examining it and putting it away for safe-keeping.

"A DNA sample!" Ruby said.

"They're going to make an exact replica of you, Mr. Rice," Fernando said.

I wish their writing was this expressive and inventive

Flurry of Activity

2010-09-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, a lot of weirdness happened in a short period of time today. Let's see if I can remember it all.

During the writing lesson I was teaching how writers think about times they felt an emotion strongly as ways to think of stories to write. I gave an example of how happy I was when my softball team finally won their first game. Seeing as I wanted them to come up with two ideas per emotion, I mentioned being very happy dancing at a friend's wedding. After instruction was over and the kids were about to go back to their seats, Ruby raises her hand. "Mr. Rice, if we write all period quietly, will you show us some of your dance moves?"

Tug of War

2010-09-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

Today as I was walking by during a math lesson Ruby grabbed my hand. "I'm not letting go," she informed me. "Ever. You'll have to go home with me too."

Then her neighbor, Jaylin, grabbed my other hand. We sat and did the math work together. It's a far cry from my fifth graders last year pretending not to see me. ADORABLE IS WHAT IT IS!

He's still got it.

2010-09-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

So I was going to pick up my lunch and lo and behold I see my old class from the past two years in science. I drop in to say "Hello." Then I proceed to talk to the teacher how that class is a bunch of jerks, teasing them as per my custom.

Then Savior says, "And behold," and, geturing at me, "the Grand Jerk."

I gave him a high five for that one.

And the cycle begins anew . . .

2010-09-08T08:46:00.001-07:00

The 2010-2011 school year has begun today. I have a new class and a new teaching partner. I've moved back down a grade, to 4th. I loved my kids last year, but 5th is an age group I'd sooner avoid. You may have noticed fewer posts as the year went on . . .I had to spend too much time maintaining order in the chaotic world of pre-pubescent awakening.

So my new class is younger and far more innocent (so far at least). In fact, they seem kind of immature. It's only the first day, of course, so things will improve. It's just quite a leap.

But never fear, even with only part of the class showing up (the New York Department of Education had the brilliant idea of starting school the day before a two-day holiday/four-day weekend), I've already run into some characters. Emily is an adorable go-getter, very bright and very willing to answer questions. She's been the first, so far, to get my jokes. Isaiah is going to be a funny one, I can tell.

And then there's Roland. Very smart, honestly, kind of a nerdy kid. For example, I was doing a read aloud from the book NERDS, about nerdy kids who are secretly special agents. In the prologue you meet the adult spy, a sort of American James Bond, who was recently sidelined do to "the accident." A cane is in his lap. I asked for ideas on what that was about and answers were mostly things like "Maybe he fell down the steps," or "He might have twisted his ankle." That wasn't good enough for good old Roland. His theory?

"Perhaps an enemy constructed some sort of device that crippled his leg."

I like him already.

Poetry

2010-04-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

Damaris decided to write a poem about me.

Mr. Rice

Mr. Rice is a evil man

of darkness a never ending

place of death

who can stop

this creature that

lies on this earth who

can stop him from lying

from his dates a opposite monster

of joy, playful and understanding

no one can stop his

mighty horns that

stand on top ofhis head

help from

this chaos

A poem for me

2010-04-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Confessions

2010-04-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

So we use a whole-class behavior mod where we have a canister of "gems" and then a clear jar next to it. The class goal is to get 100 gems and they get them for times the entire class does the right thing. They had reached their goal but then lost over 20 due to poor performance yesterday (while I was out of the room doing testing). Today someone counted and there were way too many.

I explained to the class there were two options: someone confesses or all gems are gone and they start over.

Savior confessed, we thanked him, and we moved on. Someone said that was a good idea and Savior said, "You should thank me, I'm the one who sacrificed my freedom!" He later whispered to me, "I hope you know I didn't really do it. In fact, I saw who did." I didn't ask him to snitch.S

That's Weird

2010-04-13T10:22:00.001-07:00

So I was in my room on prep, just relaxing. Jesus pops his head in and announces, "Mr. Rice, I have diarrhea." I waited for a question or follow up. After a few seconds he says, "That's weird."

I said, "Uh-huh."

Then he left.

Chow Time

2010-04-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

Johanny has been at it again with the lunchtime board drawings. The recent theme has been her devouring me. I hope this cellphone pic does it justice.

You got served

2010-03-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

I walked into library where my kids were to hand Maylene some papers for a performance she's doing. Before I could say who they were for, Savior piped up "Serve him the papers! He's being served!"

I hate St. Patrick's Day.

2010-03-23T15:39:00.001-07:00

I really do. I gave reward tickets to any kid who didn't wear green. So of course during lunch, Johanny makes this:

Sigh. I can't win.

Guilty Multi-Post

2010-03-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

Haven't added to this in a while. We had a week off for mid-winter recess and a couple of snow days, and one of my funniest kids, David, moved away. But today made up for it because I've got a lot to add.

Maylene has become obsessed with the computer. Today she asked to be on it and said she'd be really nice to me if I let her. I was hesitant. She then offered to write me a paragraph about how great I am. This I had to see. Now you can, too.

Mr. Rice is so awesome he makes women vomit. Mr. Rice is a dork but he has good thoughts of women. Mr. Rice is handsome and he loves to eat children. Mr. Rice is nice and that's why his name is Mr. Rice the nice guy who likes children.

I can't deny the vomiting part.

A lot of my kids are getting into having email. And they figured out my email and write me every now and then. We were going to have a party at the end of the day as a reward for reaching a certain behavior goal. I find this email from Nasir.

I'm ready yo party this afternoon

so.........

hurry up with the food

one more

thing

please

cancel

homework

so

everyone

can

have

a

good

time

you

and

ms.biondi

can

do

what

evr

you

want

except

for

torcher

us

so

have

a

good

time

at

the

party

OH

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea why he types like a poem.

And, of course, to top it off, during the party Savior says, "You know what this party needs? Alize."

After I was done laughing, I, for perhaps the hundredth time this month, replied, "Inappropriate, Savior."

Shaving reactions

2010-02-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

This weekend I finally shaved off a beard I've had a little over two years now. So the entire time I've taught my class I've been bearded. I knew I'd have some weird reactions, but some of them have been downright bizarre.

Savior: "You look like a white dude." (Uuuhhhh . . .I am one.)

Cheyenne: "You look like a manniquin."

Damaris (covering her eyes): "It BURNS, it BURNS!" She later tried to make a beard out of her scarf for me.

Johanny came at me with a marker saying: "It's weird. Let me give you a mustache again."

Good to be back

2010-01-26T11:19:00.000-08:00

Last week? Don't even ask. I think seasonal depression turned the entire class into my own personal nightmare. But today they are back and they are on.

While going over a social studies test, Kevin said, "Mr. Rice, I bet you were born in Europe. That's why everyone immigrated away."

Then Savior, who had gone to the nurse after falling out of his chair and hitting his head, saw that I had thrown away his pass back from the nurse. "Hey! Why'd you throw that out?"

"I don't need it anymore."

"But it's my declaration! Of . . .independence . . .from the headbang!"

Unexpected duties

2010-01-12T08:46:00.000-08:00

Being an elementary school teacher often involves you saying or doing things that you never would have predicted. Phrases have flown from my mouth that probably no human ever thought they'd say. They usually start with "Why are you . . ." or "Stop . . ."

But sometimes actual activities are unexpected. I had just dropped my class off at lunch and was walking back to my room. A fourth grader in a friend's class was stumbling by, arms full of coats, lunch, books, etc. "MR. RICE!" he called as he stopped near me.

"Yeah?"

"Pull up my pants!"

"Wait, what?" I heard him clearly but just didn't know how to process the information.

"Please pull up my pants, they're falling!" Sure enough, they were down past his rear. So, him doubled over and desperate, arms full of materials, I had to reach around and pull up the poor kid's pants. Another teacher popped into the hallway and just burst out laughing.

Happy New Year

2010-01-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays. I got some welcome time off and mostly spent it with family. By the end, I had actually come to . . .shiver . . .miss my little dorks. I don't know if that's ever happened before. Well, today they pretty much earned it.

For instance, I was doing a lesson on fractions. "Kevin here is one fifth of the Cheetahs team," I said as an illustration. "He is also--"

"Better than you," he interrupted perfectly. Not much I could say to that one.

Later, I was asking for volunteers to draw out a problem on the white board. Chris volunteered and made a minor mistake that I pointed out. He corrected it. "This is the sort of thing I want you guys to be doing on the class work today," said, meaning the problem he was doing.

"What, making mistakes?" Chris asked.

And during lunch, some of the kids were again eating with me. Cheyenne and Nayelyn were discussing the various cultures in their family, and I told them mine. I went on to say how I like it when various cultures come together and make interesting mixes. Seemingly out of nowhere, Nayelyn asked, "Are you an only child?"

"Uh, yeah," I replied.

"That's probably why you're so interested in other cultures."

This is one of the single most insightful, astute things anyone has ever said about me. God bless her.

Holiday messages

2009-12-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

Today was the last day before break and we had a party. Exchanged cards and gifts, ate junk food, the whole deal. There's a lot to report on from today, so I'll try to get it all down before I forget.

David signed two of his Christmas cards pretty hilariously bizarrely. To Amaris:

Dear Amaris, I sat in your chair.

To Andrew:

Dear Andrew, I hope you do better in math.

I don't know why they got singled out.

During the party, Nayelyn said, "Mr. Rice, turn on some music so we can get drunk!" She's a sweetheart and very smart, but not that grounded in reality sometimes. . .I think she might actually think it's music that makes people drunk.

Savoir's weird Mormon fetish came to light again near the end of the day. We got a call that his dad was there to pick him up. "I hope he's not down there with the Mormons. If those Mormons embarrass me I'm going to kick his butt!"

All in all it was a great day. The kids were gracious and sweet, never complaining about not getting what they wanted. In fact, some gave kids that they felt didn't get as much some of their own stuff. I got very nice presents and even sweeter home-made cards. Really wonderful day. Sadly, it's David's last day, as his family moves to Long Island over the break. We toasted him during the party. Really going to miss that kid.

Checked twice

2009-12-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

So Paola was talking about how awful I am again. I had just received a Christmas present from a parent with Santa waving on it. "You're on the naughty list, Mr. Rice," she says. "See? Santa has his hand up. He's going to give you pa-pow."

Overheard in the hallway

2009-12-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

After I picked the kids up from lunch, we were going back upstairs. Another class was rowdily walking ahead of us. To no one in particular, Jesus says, "We need some new chicks in this school."

Religion?

2009-12-21T07:21:00.000-08:00

So when Paola asked to use the restroom, I did my traditional, "Well who's your favorite teacher?" routine.

"You," she sighed.

"Why?" I again asked. Usually the acceptable answers are "Because you're awesome/handsome/cool/a ladies man (a weird recent addition from Jaela)."

However, Paola decides to take another tack. "Because . . .faith made it that way."

The Bet

2009-12-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

So I was talking with Paola about how some people can't seem to stop doing certain things. She mentioned CBR. Comic Book Resources is a website I frequent, especially during lunch when some of the kids come up to hang out. She bets me I can't stay away. So we start talking and we make an official bet.

For three weeks I cannot visit CBR or its blog counterpart, Comics Should Be Good. if I fail I have to cook or buy a meal for Paola and her friends Maylene and Jaela. But if I go three weeks without (even at home during the vacation) they have to do everything I say without question for two weeks, up to and including cooking for me while they're at home and bringing it in the next day.

So we'll see. I honestly think I'll lose.

Brain damage

2009-12-02T19:12:00.001-08:00

So a running joke I have is when kids ask to go to the restroom or drink some water, I ask first who their favorite teacher is. They begrudgingly say it's me and I let them go. So today, Damaris, who's always taken great pleasure in messing with me, asks for something and I ask her who her favorite teacher is. She names my teaching partner, so I put her in a fake headlock and she jerks around like I'm doing serious damage. I let her go and she crosses her eyes and stumbles around. "Mr. Rice is my favorite teacher," she blurts, almost drunkenly. "I think you damaged my mind!"

Oh, dear

2009-11-30T18:56:00.000-08:00

At the meeting area for reading today, Maylene asked if she could be my "scribe" (what we call the person who writes on the board for me . . .she's good at it and has better handwriting than me). I said, "Sorry, I don't need one today."

Before I could proceed with the lesson, Paola turned to Maylene and said, somewhat sympathetically, "Ohhh . . .he rejected you."

He has excellent taste, by the way

2009-11-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

So we were having a pizza party in celebration of 100 books read so far this year. A colleague came by, and we offered her a slice. She didn't have time but we said we'd send a kid with one for her. Jeff says, "I'll do it!" loudly and then, to himself "cause she's HOT."

"What was that?" I asked.

"Uhhhh . . .I said . . .it was really cold in here . . ."

"I heard what you said, Jeff." Then I let him take it to her.

Sneak Attack (+1d6)

2009-11-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

So Savior walks up to me in the midst of writer's workshop. Eyes half-closed, he says in a thick vague accent. "Yoo have underrestimated me . . .and the element . . .of SUPRISE!" at which point he launches a green squishy squid toy into my stomach.

What the hell?

Movie Time

2009-11-17T04:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday during dismissal, I heard a pretty great conversation. Two of my boys, Christopher and David, were talking about a movie, Judd Apatow's Funny People.

"It was funny," Chris says.

"Well, yeah, it's CAWED 'Funny People,' wright?" David replies. He thinks for a minute. "Is theiw blood owr couwrsing?"

"There's no blood, but there's cursing. And . . .some other bad stuff." At this point it's just the three of us outside waiting for parents to pick them up. Chris is obviously more aware of me being near them but I'm trying not to seem like I'm listening. After all, this is a totally normal conversation for 5th grade boys, just not one most would have in front of a teacher.

"Sex?" David asks.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Chris glance at me nervously. He says nothing.

"Sex?" David repeats. "You know, naked people?"

Classic Julio

2009-11-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

Last year I had a kid named Julio. Smart, witty . . .all around great. And a total ladies' man. He was very aware of girls and wrote about his loves and crushes often. Reminded me of me at his age . . .except his were requited loves, heh. Anyway, one day a rather attractive female colleague stopped in to chat with me while they were doing independent work. We talk for a while, laugh, and she leaves. Julio's staring me down as I walk back in. He gives me a bit grin and two thumbs up.

From then on he always made a point to notice when I talked to pretty girls. I miss him.

They know me all too well

2009-11-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

Some days I bring some kids up to eat lunch with me . . .it's good to get to know them as people. We talk like adults, just asking about each other's weekends and such. They asked about my lunch, which was clearly not from a place near here.

"Well, it's a funny story," I said. "I was walking down the street--"

Kevin interrupted, "And you got eaten by a shark."

" . . .no. But I had had a big brunch and--"

Amaris' turn. "If this has something to do with a bathroom, I don't want to hear about it."

Of course it did . . .

New vocabulary

2009-11-02T07:44:00.001-08:00

I can't put this down to just one instance, but my kids have been using a new word. I feel old, cause I don't know if it's a reference to a video game or music or what, but the word is "brawlic." It is used to describe a big, tough, muscular dude (or girl I guess). I'm not sure how I feel about it . . .on the one hand, that's pretty specific and descriptive and I like making up words. On the other . . .I dunno, I'm just getting old.

A little early for that

2009-11-02T05:39:00.000-08:00

My partner was reading the kids a book about kids in the old west, focusing on a chapter on what they did on their off hours. We were filling out a graphic organizer with facts from the book like "chilling out in the shade" and "telling stories." Savior raises his hand.

"Wait, wait, wait . . .and ALSO . . .they . . .drank egg nog!"

"Uhhh . . .that wasn't in the book," my partner says.

"I'm just assuming."

(??????)

Special Bonus Weekend Update

2009-10-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

As I was relaxing, and getting ready for Halloween weekend I went to check my email. There on my "g-chat" list was a student who found my email address recently. Her "status"? . . ."anime rockz."

I create nerds.

Flatulence Friday: Ground Zero

2009-10-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

One day a couple years ago, some of my students all started mumbling and giggling during reading. I went over to reprimand them. "What's the problem?" I started.

"SOMEBODY LET A STINK BOMB!" one kid literally screamed.

"IT SMELLS LIKE CHEESE AND EGGS!" another confirmed.

Trying to quash this outburst, I snapped, "It couldn't possibly be that--" and that's when I got within range of the fart. "OH GOD!" I blurted involuntarily. "Oh, man, you're right, it does . . .what do you kids EAT in the morning?"

Sorry about this week

2009-10-30T06:44:00.000-07:00

I didn't update this week, and I deeply apologize. One day my partner was absent, the next I was at a conference in the city . . .weird stuff happens when you teach. But I just got a good one!

We're sitting around for independent reading, and Jaela, a spunky little cutie, says, "Mr. Rice, do you know what I'm reading?"

"What?"

"YOUR MIND." And then she gives me a look with one eye.

Flatulence Friday: The Final Countdown

2009-10-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week the class was involved in some group work, which involved some talking to each other. When this happens and I need their attention, I count backward from five to give them ample time to refocus. Well, this time I finished counting as everyone was getting quiet, but right after saying "One, zero," Mark stood up and let one rip loudly.

I couldn't help but laugh.

My bad

2009-10-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

So I was teaching a math lesson today on geometry. Never my greatest subject . . .and I got totally flustered with this new way of doing it. I realized I'd made a mistake and corrected myself.

Nasir blurted out, "Good job confusing little kids!"

Ooops

2009-10-20T11:08:00.001-07:00

I was removing my sweater because the class got too hot. Unfortunately, my button-down came up with it briefly, causing Jeff (among others) much distress.

"I saw nipples!"

"Why were you looking?" I asked.

"HE WAS LOOKING FOR MILK!" Nasir screamed across the room.

Sigh.

Oh, it's on.

2009-10-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

On Friday, Jeffrey wrote us a note in Mets' colors saying "Mets Suck." I responded with a note saying "The Yankees are overpaid crybaby juicers and an embarrassment to baseball."

Jeffrey's responce came today:

Dear: Weezer you are a stinking band And it suck you bunch of ugly juicers and wack songs And your things smell like hippo but

Dude, you don't tell a nerd that Weezer sucks.

Ja Wohl!

2009-10-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

During social studies, we were looking at a pie graph detailing the national background of New Yorkers in 1990. One question was "What continent were most New Yorkers from," the answer being Europe. A few seconds later, Savior sort of uttered to himself, "Hitler."

I paused and considered whether I should ask, and decided to. "Wait, why did you just say that?"

"I was just thinking of him. I was thinking of, you know, blonde hair, blue eyes."

"Uh, OK. You know, what's weird, he didn't have either one of those things."

"Yeah."

Then we just went on with the lesson

Uh oh . . .

2009-10-20T04:50:00.001-07:00

So my home comupter is kaput for the time being. This means I can basically only check email or update this while on break at school. So I get to work extra early now to prepare and relax and such as. Well one of my kids apparently saw my email address on a letter sent home to the parents. Because I just got this email:

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_________________MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAILLLLLLLLLIIIINNNNGGGG MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...................RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE>.....................

They've found me . . .

Compliments

2009-10-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

Damaris just came up to me and hugged me. She's not usually affectionate . . .in fact takes great glee in giving me hell whenever possible. She then says, "You know what scares me?"

"What?"

"How handsome you are."

Shocked, I thanked her. "That's so sweet!"

"Now can we have a party?"

Nerd Wars

2009-10-16T11:07:00.001-07:00

I was just handed a note from Christopher. On it he traced the Star Wars logo. Under that he wrote "may the fouce [sic] be with you Mr. Rice hope your [sic] not a trekkie or you will be sorry."

Trekkie was also apparently originally spelled "terky."

As if he knew . . .

2009-10-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

As if he knew what today was, as I walked by him, Jeffrey patted his stomach and said, "Watch out, Mr. Rice. A big one's coming."

"What have you been eating?"

"It's going to be big. It's building. Probably later, during writing."

He's on a roll today

2009-10-16T05:52:00.001-07:00

While comparing and contrasting stage coaches and prarie schooners, Savior said "A prarie schooner was like a VCR."

"Wait, how?"

"It's bigger, you can fit your stuff in it."

"What?"

One kid helps us out, "Do you mean an RV?"

"Oh, yeah, that's it."

First Flatulence Friday

2009-10-16T05:38:00.001-07:00

So, I don't know if you've thought about it, but when you teach children, you're exposed to a lot more farts and fart talk than the average person. And the hard part is, even when it's hilarious, you're not supposed to laugh. So I'm hoping this will be a recurring feature here on the blog on certain Fridays.

So for the first one I'm gonna turn the years back to a very special class I once taught. This was back when my school had "gifted" classes in each grade. I taught a gifted second grade class, perhaps the best of my career. I'm still close to many of the kids and parents from that year.

Anyway, enter Liz. Liz was small, cute as a button, super-smart, and one of the shiest girls I've ever encountered. One day I called the class to the carpet. When I called her team, she stood up, bent over to push in her chair and let a really loud one rip. I mean, for her size, it was like an atom bomb. You know how Spider-man has the "proportionate strength of a spider"? It was like that. First impulse was to crack up, but I stopped because I was worried. This girl, I really liked her, but she was already shy and reluctant to talk or joke around. I was sincerely worried this would be the moment that would ruin her social life in this school for the rest of time, that she would look back on it forever in shame. The next second seemed to last an eternity.

She then put her hands to her face in mock shock and exclaimed "Ooopsie!" and went on her way.

That was the day I realized this girl was awesome.

Joseph Smith Follow-up

2009-10-16T05:36:00.001-07:00

Remember Savior's "Book of Mormon" moment? Today, out of nowhere, while my partner was introducing the shared reading for the day, he blurted out "I'm a Mormon! No I'm not."

EDIT: And of course the shared reading example book is about people traveling west in the 1800s, and one reason given is "Mormons escaping religious persecution." So every time Savior blurts out "MORMONS."

Tenor of the conversation

2009-10-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

Savior was looking through a "ten best" book with lots of lists of, well, the ten best of anything. There's a picture of the Three Tenors, and he raises his hand to get me over. "Mr. Rice, are these the three Figaros? You know," then, singing, "Feeegaro feeegaro feeeeegaro!"

More Classic David

2009-10-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

In NYC, the kids are put through these stupid standardized tests that basically choose their future for them . . .even though the only thing they learn through them is how to take a damn test. But during the ELA test, there are three sections. A mutliple choice day, a listening day, and an essay day. The end of the day of the multiple choice, I was reminding them about the next day.

"And tomorrow is the listening section, where you will hear the golden, mellifluent tones of my golden voice pouring in your honey," I said and continued.

David raised his hand. I called on him, assuming he had a pressing question. "Mithtew Writhe, your catchphrases awe getting WEIWDER and WEIWDER!"

I stopped, taken aback. "I guess, so, Dave. That was pretty weird." I continued and he raised his hand again after a few moments.

"But jutht tho you know, it wath a pretty GOOD one!"

Synonyms

2009-10-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

In writing, I always stress to take their time and really think thing's through. "A good writer's never done, they've only just begun," I said in fourth grade.

Mark, "I'm done."

Frustratedly, I reply, "Mark, I've told you that a hundred times! No, you're not done!"

Mark: "Oh. I'm finished."

THIS JUST HAPPENED

2009-10-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

The "life skills" teacher is teaching a lesson about smoking. One kid was reading something and having trouble with "interfere." Jeffrey corrected him with "into reefer."

The adults just tried to look away and not laugh.

I'm gross and weird

2009-10-14T07:12:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I like to say really bizarre things to friends' classes and just see what they do. My friend Ms. V just reminded me of a time I walked up to a really good, very shy girl in her class who hardly ever spoke. I'm friends with her family and get to have fun with her. But one day after my usual, "Why are you so mean to everyone?" speech to the quiet one, I added, "You make me want to take a dump on your SOUL!" and then quickly walked away.

Yeneris waited a perfect beat, and said, "THAT was awkward . . ."

Wayback Diana

2009-10-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

Diana was a cutie in second grade I didn't even teach. But she was in a friend's gifted class, and I liked messing with them. Any time I saw this amazing class, I'd just give 'em hell about being the worst people I've ever known. (It's what I do to good kids with senses of humor.) Diana would get mad and shake her fist at me, snub me in the halls, etc.

Until one day she came up and hugged me and of course I melted. Later she said, "Mr. Rice, you taught me an important lesson. Just because you hate someone at first, it doesn't mean you won't really like them later."

Classic David

2009-10-14T06:36:00.001-07:00

I'll also be posting things some kids have said in the past, either in this class or in other classes I've taught. Another kid I assume will be a recurring character here is David. He's very bright and very funny.

One day last year I came to school super depressed. I forget why, probably girl-related. But I was definitely out of sorts as I calmly told the kids to take their work out and get ready for the day. David's hand shot up.

"Mithter Writhe . . .do you have low thelf-ethteem?"

It broke me out of my spell. "Uh, do you mean always or just today?"

"Jutht today."

"Yeah, Dave, I guess I do."

"OK," he said, and continued with his work.

First day two-fer

2009-10-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

The final impetus of me doing this were the following two statements/exchanges with one of my, we'll say more "prolific" students. This kid could have his own blog, he's always saying something amazing. I'll get into it more later, but I thought I'd start off with the first two. And because these are kids I'm working with, I won't be giving any last names or anything like that. But here is this blog's introduction to Savior. Yes, his name is Savior.

"Mr. Rice, have you read the Book of Mormon?"

"Uh, no. Have you?"

"Readin' it!" Then he walked away.

A bit later he came back up to me and said, "My birthday's soon. I want you to get me a little pamphlet of Hamlet, heh heh heh!"

I taught this class last year in fourth grade as well, and during poetry we studied, among other things, the "to be or not to be" speech. Savior took to it well (but ultimately preferred "The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock").

Hello there.

2009-10-14T06:11:00.000-07:00

So I teach elementary school in Brooklyn. I love it. But this blog isn't about me. I've thought about making it lots of times, but finally had the chance today, during an extra prep time. Almost every day, at least one of them says something bizarre/hilarious/interesting/sweet/etc. Usually bizarre and hilarious. So I'm going to try to keep these for posterity. Hopefully you'll enjoy them.