Holiday messages

Today was the last day before break and we had a party. Exchanged cards and gifts, ate junk food, the whole deal. There's a lot to report on from today, so I'll try to get it all down before I forget.

• David signed two of his Christmas cards pretty hilariously bizarrely. To Amaris:

Dear Amaris, I sat in your chair.

• To Andrew:

Dear Andrew, I hope you do better in math.

I don't know why they got singled out.

• During the party, Nayelyn said, "Mr. Rice, turn on some music so we can get drunk!" She's a sweetheart and very smart, but not that grounded in reality sometimes. . .I think she might actually think it's music that makes people drunk.

• Savoir's weird Mormon fetish came to light again near the end of the day. We got a call that his dad was there to pick him up. "I hope he's not down there with the Mormons. If those Mormons embarrass me I'm going to kick his butt!"

All in all it was a great day. The kids were gracious and sweet, never complaining about not getting what they wanted. In fact, some gave kids that they felt didn't get as much some of their own stuff. I got very nice presents and even sweeter home-made cards. Really wonderful day. Sadly, it's David's last day, as his family moves to Long Island over the break. We toasted him during the party. Really going to miss that kid.

Movie Time

Yesterday during dismissal, I heard a pretty great conversation. Two of my boys, Christopher and David, were talking about a movie, Judd Apatow's Funny People.

"It was funny," Chris says.

"Well, yeah, it's CAWED 'Funny People,' wright?" David replies. He thinks for a minute. "Is theiw blood owr couwrsing?"

"There's no blood, but there's cursing. And . . .some other bad stuff." At this point it's just the three of us outside waiting for parents to pick them up. Chris is obviously more aware of me being near them but I'm trying not to seem like I'm listening. After all, this is a totally normal conversation for 5th grade boys, just not one most would have in front of a teacher.

"Sex?" David asks.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Chris glance at me nervously. He says nothing.

"Sex?" David repeats. "You know, naked people?"

More Classic David

In NYC, the kids are put through these stupid standardized tests that basically choose their future for them . . .even though the only thing they learn through them is how to take a damn test. But during the ELA test, there are three sections. A mutliple choice day, a listening day, and an essay day. The end of the day of the multiple choice, I was reminding them about the next day.

"And tomorrow is the listening section, where you will hear the golden, mellifluent tones of my golden voice pouring in your honey," I said and continued.

David raised his hand. I called on him, assuming he had a pressing question. "Mithtew Writhe, your catchphrases awe getting WEIWDER and WEIWDER!"

I stopped, taken aback. "I guess, so, Dave. That was pretty weird." I continued and he raised his hand again after a few moments.

"But jutht tho you know, it wath a pretty GOOD one!"

Classic David

I'll also be posting things some kids have said in the past, either in this class or in other classes I've taught. Another kid I assume will be a recurring character here is David. He's very bright and very funny.

One day last year I came to school super depressed. I forget why, probably girl-related. But I was definitely out of sorts as I calmly told the kids to take their work out and get ready for the day. David's hand shot up.

"Mithter Writhe . . .do you have low thelf-ethteem?"

It broke me out of my spell. "Uh, do you mean always or just today?"

"Jutht today."

"Yeah, Dave, I guess I do."

"OK," he said, and continued with his work.