Shaving reactions

This weekend I finally shaved off a beard I've had a little over two years now. So the entire time I've taught my class I've been bearded. I knew I'd have some weird reactions, but some of them have been downright bizarre.

Savior: "You look like a white dude." (Uuuhhhh . . .I am one.)

Cheyenne: "You look like a manniquin."

Damaris (covering her eyes): "It BURNS, it BURNS!" She later tried to make a beard out of her scarf for me.

Johanny came at me with a marker saying: "It's weird. Let me give you a mustache again."

Good to be back

Last week? Don't even ask. I think seasonal depression turned the entire class into my own personal nightmare. But today they are back and they are on.

While going over a social studies test, Kevin said, "Mr. Rice, I bet you were born in Europe. That's why everyone immigrated away."

Then Savior, who had gone to the nurse after falling out of his chair and hitting his head, saw that I had thrown away his pass back from the nurse. "Hey! Why'd you throw that out?"

"I don't need it anymore."

"But it's my declaration! Of . . .independence . . .from the headbang!"

Unexpected duties

Being an elementary school teacher often involves you saying or doing things that you never would have predicted. Phrases have flown from my mouth that probably no human ever thought they'd say. They usually start with "Why are you . . ." or "Stop . . ."

But sometimes actual activities are unexpected. I had just dropped my class off at lunch and was walking back to my room. A fourth grader in a friend's class was stumbling by, arms full of coats, lunch, books, etc. "MR. RICE!" he called as he stopped near me.

"Yeah?"

"Pull up my pants!"

"Wait, what?" I heard him clearly but just didn't know how to process the information.

"Please pull up my pants, they're falling!" Sure enough, they were down past his rear. So, him doubled over and desperate, arms full of materials, I had to reach around and pull up the poor kid's pants. Another teacher popped into the hallway and just burst out laughing.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays. I got some welcome time off and mostly spent it with family. By the end, I had actually come to . . .shiver . . .miss my little dorks. I don't know if that's ever happened before. Well, today they pretty much earned it.

For instance, I was doing a lesson on fractions. "Kevin here is one fifth of the Cheetahs team," I said as an illustration. "He is also--"

"Better than you," he interrupted perfectly. Not much I could say to that one.

Later, I was asking for volunteers to draw out a problem on the white board. Chris volunteered and made a minor mistake that I pointed out. He corrected it. "This is the sort of thing I want you guys to be doing on the class work today," said, meaning the problem he was doing.

"What, making mistakes?" Chris asked.

And during lunch, some of the kids were again eating with me. Cheyenne and Nayelyn were discussing the various cultures in their family, and I told them mine. I went on to say how I like it when various cultures come together and make interesting mixes. Seemingly out of nowhere, Nayelyn asked, "Are you an only child?"

"Uh, yeah," I replied.

"That's probably why you're so interested in other cultures."

This is one of the single most insightful, astute things anyone has ever said about me. God bless her.

Holiday messages

Today was the last day before break and we had a party. Exchanged cards and gifts, ate junk food, the whole deal. There's a lot to report on from today, so I'll try to get it all down before I forget.

• David signed two of his Christmas cards pretty hilariously bizarrely. To Amaris:

Dear Amaris, I sat in your chair.

• To Andrew:

Dear Andrew, I hope you do better in math.

I don't know why they got singled out.

• During the party, Nayelyn said, "Mr. Rice, turn on some music so we can get drunk!" She's a sweetheart and very smart, but not that grounded in reality sometimes. . .I think she might actually think it's music that makes people drunk.

• Savoir's weird Mormon fetish came to light again near the end of the day. We got a call that his dad was there to pick him up. "I hope he's not down there with the Mormons. If those Mormons embarrass me I'm going to kick his butt!"

All in all it was a great day. The kids were gracious and sweet, never complaining about not getting what they wanted. In fact, some gave kids that they felt didn't get as much some of their own stuff. I got very nice presents and even sweeter home-made cards. Really wonderful day. Sadly, it's David's last day, as his family moves to Long Island over the break. We toasted him during the party. Really going to miss that kid.

Checked twice

So Paola was talking about how awful I am again. I had just received a Christmas present from a parent with Santa waving on it. "You're on the naughty list, Mr. Rice," she says. "See? Santa has his hand up. He's going to give you pa-pow."

Overheard in the hallway

After I picked the kids up from lunch, we were going back upstairs. Another class was rowdily walking ahead of us. To no one in particular, Jesus says, "We need some new chicks in this school."